Fear, Rules and self doubt

image found here

So here is  my Saturday post after being woken up by the dog (Boo),
I have made in class, and almost finished a custom skirt made from black velour with ribbon lacing fastening at both sides (corset style) which just needs hemming. And a emerald green crushed velvet shrug that ties in the middle that needs over locking.
I only have 4 hrs worth of lessons left until we break up for Christmas.
I REALLY want a top to match as well so I can wear this Christmas day.
I don't have time to make one in class, which means making it at home, by myself with no help.

I'M TERRIFIED.
Terrified to try.
Terrified that if I do try it will look a mess.
Terrified that if it doesn't work I will have wasted all that material.
That I will have FAILED.
I am not allowed to fail!

I know logically that the material didn't cost that much and is left over from my other projects.
I know that if it doesn't work its no real loss, that I will have probably learnt something in the process of failing.
I know that there is a chance it might work out really well.
Maybe if I was going to follow a pattern it would be less daunting, but i cant afford the patterns and I cant print one from the Internet so it will have to be all me.

Should I try it any way?
Should I give in on this idea?
I WISH I was skinny then this would be much easier less tailoring less curves....

That's all for now pondering and feeling low and confused and annoyed at my self at my stupid rules, fears and self doubt.

Frosty Friday

Its cold out side, frosty, white.
Inside it's warm, snuggled up tight.
Blankets abundant, heating on too.
Yet still in my bones, I'm cold through and through.

Damn this disease, that's eaten away at my core.
Happy and joyful, I am no more.
So many pills, I rattle as I walk.
Joints sore and creaking, Like crone aged and weathered.
Yet I'm just Twenty Four.

Oh what to do now its winter, And the cold has set in.
There's no joy in the garden.
In my house I'm hemmed in.
Can't go out on my own, Less I cant make it home.
I long for the summer, When I'm not forced all alone.

The joy of the season, Much lost upon me.
When the Christmas markets, Seem such an impossibility.
Dread Christmas shopping, In case I get bruised and hurt.
Or my hips, or my knees, In the cold refuse to work.
Layers and layers,and its still not enough.

Oh how i wish my poor body, Was still young and tough.
I look fine on the outside, A young lady there.
Yet inside I'm haggard, chemo riped me apart.
I'm Ninety in my Twenties, Least I still have my heart,
All be it in the wrong place.

The tumour pushed it aside, With no thought for my life.
As a young lady and bride, This isn't how I'd imagined,
Id spend my first few married years.
No children for us, So many unspent tears,
But I'm still alive and I'm fighting.
For what I Feel are my rights.
Children and laughter,
And warm cosy nights.

Poem by me and photos by me.

Childish Things : Writing workshop

Okay since my writing workshop this week was short I thought I'd do another post


Childish things make life worth living, if I ever get to the point when I cant laugh at my self or have childish fun shoot me!!!!!!

Image from Whitsy

So here are a few of my favorite childish things.

• Jumping in puddles
• Bubbles (the soapy ones in the tub, with the the wand to blow through)
• Making Cornflake cakes (or any cake really) and licking the bowl
• Making a wish as you blow the seed from the dandelion head
• Pillow fights
• Making daisy chains when sat in the park or garden

What are the childish things you still do and love?
Leave me a comment and let me know!!

Hold me up : writing workshop

Writing workshop : Hold me up

Hold me up in a world where I'm drowning
Hold me up lend me strength when I have none
You hold me up so i may see there is more than wood among the trees.
You hold me up while I try and re-find me.
You hold me up when I have no more tears to cry.
You held me up when I thought that i might die.
You held me up like an anchor tided to flotsam steadying it on rough seas
You held me up when all I wanted was to let go and cease to be me.

Thank you for not letting go when I said you could,
when i would have understood had you walked away.
Thank you for believing me, in us, I will love you forever.

HOME MADE CHRISTMAS CARDS

So the last couple of nights i have been at my mum's and Sunday night she was making prick and stitch Christmas cards and they was just lovely, last night i was looking for any free patterns for her when i came across a fab tutorial for quilted cards over on MADE by a lady called Dana who got it from a friend who found it in a quilting book. So i had to have ago. and this is how it turned out.

I changed the direction of the material as i really wanted to use the Christmas ribbon.

I also added a padded heart i had made a few days ago from some tartan (which is supposed to be going on a bag or making a broach from) on which i embroidered (badly) the word Nan.

This was stitched on using the sewing machine as well.

The green is a scrap of velvet from a shrug I'm making at the moment.

The red is some material left over from the alteration made on my wedding dress.

The ribbon i bought a couple of years ago

                                                               And the tartan i was given some scraps of free in my sewing class.

The cat thought she should be in a picture as well!!

these are sooo quick and easy to make and can be made from any fabric for any occasion.

i used an ugly card stock i got in a pack but you could recycle a cereal box to make this and cover both sides and then glue in some plain paper/card to cover the stitching.

if anyone wants to have ago at making the padded heart let me know and ill post a tutorial for you.

have a go there quick easy, cheap, fun to make and Eco-friendly !!!

End of the world as I know it.. well diet anyway.

Okay so last week Hubby wasn't too well. He had a what we thought was either a stomach bug or food poisoning so Friday and Saturday was spent eating plain rice with egg and a little soy sauce and a few sesame seeds and he was feeling much better on Sunday. So on Sunday we went down to my parents and had tea there a really tasty pork steaks, mushrooms, carrots and onion cooked slowly in gravy served with mash and roasted potatoes and parsnips and some cauliflower. Really tasty!! come 11 o'clock that night he was being sick again this time with a bit off blood so in the morning off he went to the doctors who said he has Bacteria Acid Reflux. and he has to avoid most of the food we normally eat. No bread, No spices, No tomatoes or tomato based sauces, no pepper, no fatty food, only a little dairy, no garlic, no lots of things.

As you can imagine this is a hard thing to swallow for him and me (as i don't want to eat the things he can't eat when I'm with him as i feel really cruel). SO where does that leave us? he can have rice, some vegetables and fruit as long as there low in acid content. he can have pasta but not any sauces on it as most are either high acid or high fat because there cream based, salad but no dressing as they contain vinegar, no cheese as its high fat and the low fat hard cheese is not that nice in texture or taste.

so now my challenge is to find away to make bland food tasty using only herbs no pepper, no/very little garlic, pasta sauce he can have so we can still have pasta, some things for lunch that aren't the same as what we have fro tea as his usual sandwiches are out...

HELP!!!!!!!

image from:http://blog.landscapedesign.co.nz

Due Date: Writing Work Shop

It's here at last, heart thumping, feeling sick, panicked, sweaty palms as i race about getting ready.

what if its not what i expected?
what if its not good news?
what if its grown?
what if they put me back on treatment?
will i remember the questions i had, why didn't i write them down like i said i would?
how will i cope if its worse, with being there again, how many bruises?

shit wheres that clean top?
did i feed the dog/cat/fish?

have my bag, have my book, my NDS, my hubby and all my distractions.

check the back door is locked, grab my coat, check the door again... have a cig.. shit i really cant procrastinate much longer....

get in the car, sleep, wake up feel sick, trying to remember the positives,

check in.

wait.

wait.

panic.

wait.

names being called shit.. okay we have to do this. move sit some where else.

wait.

wait.

oh god hes here.

go in.

listen to him talk and hear nothing.

until the words "so in all i guess its good news, since its no bigger and no major changes, we will book you in for another scan in 3 months......actually 6 months since you have had six months stable".

BREATHE, just breathe

Maybe in six months after the next scan i can start to live my life again, without the what ifs, how comes, will it's. But for now its six months till I'm know I'm still okay.

Just maybe.

This post is my choice from the writing workshop. http://www.sleepisfortheweak.org.uk/2010/11/18/writing-workshop-life-on-film/ over on sleep is for the week found by my constantly watch on one of the few blogs i regualy follow atm Livi's little bubble http://princessl.co.uk/

The background on this is i have Aggressive desmoid Fibromitosis and spent along time on chemo and treatment for it. Which ended in may this year as i had been on it so long. So now as it stable at the moment, the hospital are just keeping an eye on it trying to let my body get back to some normalcy after my treatment however i still have a lot of the effects from the chemo sooo.. fingers crossed and we will have to see how it all goes. And this is what my day is like on the days i get my results from the ct scan and what was said at my last one.

My little venture in to the Blog-o-sphere

So seems like lots of people have one of these blog thingy's and decided that it was something I hadn't had ago at yet, an it was time i did.
 I have created websites before and tried to hold a diary up and lasted a couple of months and failed miserably at scrap booking due to indecision.
I figured a blog would be a way to combine these things and also a place to post my poetry pics of my art, crafts, cakes and other things I have made and also a place I could maybe review the books I have read as well.

So I guess we will see how this goes, and whether i remember to post!!

It may be slow going to start off with until I have the basics mastered but here goes my first post :-)